You Made Me the Researcher I Am Today

⚠ Genuinely offensive · No refunds on friendships · You will get disinvited from Thanksgiving · HR has been notified · 18+ only · ⚠ Genuinely offensive · No refunds on friendships · You will get disinvited from Thanksgiving · HR has been notified · 18+ only ·

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Tap the card to open it

For your thesis advisor

You Made Me the Researcher I Am Today

Thanks for only putting your name first on my paper twice. The data was mine, the tears were mine, but sure, “we” did it. See you at “our” Nobel.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 003

Shipping and handling included. Plain unmarked envelope, like contraband.

Card no. 003 · School & Academia

Who actually buys this card

Postdocs whose name came second, again
Lab mates who ran the gels and got the acknowledgments section
Anyone whose advisor said “we” at the conference

If any of those are you, this is your card. Blank inside the back cover so you can make it worse in your own handwriting. Every inside is stamped hrviolationcards.com, so the recipient knows exactly where to send the invoice for their therapy.

Pick your poison

Same sweet front. Three different knives.

The front stays innocent; that’s what lines up the punch. Choose which inside does the damage.

The original

For your thesis advisor

You Made Me the Researcher I Am Today

Thanks for only putting your name first on my paper twice. The data was mine, the tears were mine, but sure, “we” did it. See you at “our” Nobel.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 003

$19.99 Order the original

Take two

For your thesis advisor

You Made Me the Researcher I Am Today

Thanks for the co-authorship, the funding, and the therapy bills. Two out of three were on purpose.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 003

$19.99 Order take two

Take three

For your thesis advisor

You Made Me the Researcher I Am Today

You kept saying “trust the process.” The process was five years of your process. Anyway, I’m a doctor now and you can’t undo it.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 003

$19.99 Order take three

Satire disclaimer, please actually read this

These cards are satire, and extreme satire at that. They are jokes, written to be as outrageous as possible, and they are not statements of fact about any person, boss, professor, teacher, coworker, clergy member, or company. Nothing on a card describes a real event, and no card is directed at any real individual.

To be completely clear: workplace harassment, abuse of power, and quid pro quo demands are real problems and we do not endorse, encourage, or make light of actual misconduct. The joke is the absurdity of saying the unsayable in a glitter-adjacent greeting card, not the misconduct itself.

Cards contain adult language and themes. Intended for buyers 18 and older who know their audience. If you hand one of these to someone with no sense of humor, HR, or your grandmother, that outcome is entirely on you.