Cards so wrong, they're evidence.

Thanks for not making me give you a blowjob to get my promotion. The bar was on the floor, and you cleared it. Happy birthday, boss.

And I’m so glad I don’t have to join a class action against the church because of your actions. The bar was in the catacombs, and you cleared it. Thank you for touching my soul, and nothing else.

Thanks for not making me sleep with you for a letter of recommendation. Half your department couldn’t say the same. The other half is suddenly “on sabbatical.”

Thanks for calling us “a family.” Families don’t do layoffs over Zoom at 4:55 on a Friday.

Thanks for the $10 gift card. The company made two billion dollars this year, and I will think about that every single time I buy gas with it.

He’s a walking red flag factory, but this is your fourth one and I’ve stopped voting. Gift enclosed. Receipt also enclosed.

You failed upward at a speed that violates physics. You slept your way to the middle. Honestly, aim higher.

Thanks for only calling me by the first wife’s name twice this year. Progress isn’t linear. Neither is your son, but we don’t talk about that either.

Thanks for not duct-taping my kid to a chair. We both know he had it coming.

You know too much to just walk free. Enjoy the silence. I’ll be telling the next one it was all my mother’s fault, exactly as we rehearsed.

Thanks for not making me give you a blowjob to get my promotion. The bar was on the floor, and you cleared it. Happy birthday, boss.

Thanks for not making me sleep with you for a letter of recommendation. Half your department couldn’t say the same. The other half is suddenly “on sabbatical.”

Thanks for only putting your name first on my paper twice. The data was mine, the tears were mine, but sure, “we” did it. See you at “our” Nobel.

Thanks for not duct-taping my kid to a chair. We both know he had it coming.

Forty years of teaching and you never once locked a kid in the supply closet. The old-timers say that used to be Tuesday.

Thanks for shredding my complaint personally instead of delegating it. Around here, that counts as being heard.

You failed upward at a speed that violates physics. You slept your way to the middle. Honestly, aim higher.

Thanks for the $10 gift card. The company made two billion dollars this year, and I will think about that every single time I buy gas with it.

Congrats on “pursuing new opportunities.” The NDA means none of us can say why, and that’s the fun part.

Thanks for believing my symptoms the first time instead of the fifth, and for never once saying “yoga.” You are, medically speaking, one in a million, which is also the odds the last guy gave my diagnosis.

Thanks for fixing the heat in only eleven months. The mold and I got so close that it’s on the lease now. It pays more than I do.

Thanks for calling us “a family.” Families don’t do layoffs over Zoom at 4:55 on a Friday.

He’s a walking red flag factory, but this is your fourth one and I’ve stopped voting. Gift enclosed. Receipt also enclosed.

Thanks for only calling me by the first wife’s name twice this year. Progress isn’t linear. Neither is your son, but we don’t talk about that either.

That degree cost more than our house. Please, for the love of God, move out.

You can finally stop pretending to read our emails. We know you stopped in 2019. The committee knows. Everyone knows.

Thanks for scheduling your medical emergency outside open enrollment. The paperwork would have destroyed us. Heal fast, you inconsiderate legend.

You know too much to just walk free. Enjoy the silence. I’ll be telling the next one it was all my mother’s fault, exactly as we rehearsed.

And I’m so glad I don’t have to join a class action against the church because of your actions. The bar was in the catacombs, and you cleared it. Thank you for touching my soul, and nothing else.