Happy Retirement, Legend

⚠ Genuinely offensive · No refunds on friendships · You will get disinvited from Thanksgiving · HR has been notified · 18+ only · ⚠ Genuinely offensive · No refunds on friendships · You will get disinvited from Thanksgiving · HR has been notified · 18+ only ·

← All cards

Tap the card to open it

Teacher retirement

Forty years of teaching and you never once locked a kid in the supply closet. The old-timers say that used to be Tuesday.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 005

Shipping and handling included. Plain unmarked envelope, like contraband.

Card no. 005 · School & Academia

Who actually buys this card

The faculty lounge, pooling cash
Former students who turned out fine, somehow
The teacher who inherits the classroom and the trauma

If any of those are you, this is your card. Blank inside the back cover so you can make it worse in your own handwriting. Every inside is stamped hrviolationcards.com, so the recipient knows exactly where to send the invoice for their therapy.

Pick your poison

Same sweet front. Three different knives.

The front stays innocent; that’s what lines up the punch. Choose which inside does the damage.

The original

Teacher retirement

Happy Retirement, Legend

Forty years of teaching and you never once locked a kid in the supply closet. The old-timers say that used to be Tuesday.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 005

$19.99 Order the original

Take two

Teacher retirement

Happy Retirement, Legend

Forty years of other people’s children. The state owes you a pension. The parents owe you a settlement.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 005

$19.99 Order take two

Take three

Teacher retirement

Happy Retirement, Legend

You taught three generations of this town to read, and the district still made you buy your own pencils. Go. Be free. Take the pencils.

hrviolationcards.com · no. 005

$19.99 Order take three

Satire disclaimer, please actually read this

These cards are satire, and extreme satire at that. They are jokes, written to be as outrageous as possible, and they are not statements of fact about any person, boss, professor, teacher, coworker, clergy member, or company. Nothing on a card describes a real event, and no card is directed at any real individual.

To be completely clear: workplace harassment, abuse of power, and quid pro quo demands are real problems and we do not endorse, encourage, or make light of actual misconduct. The joke is the absurdity of saying the unsayable in a glitter-adjacent greeting card, not the misconduct itself.

Cards contain adult language and themes. Intended for buyers 18 and older who know their audience. If you hand one of these to someone with no sense of humor, HR, or your grandmother, that outcome is entirely on you.